the calm after the storm

ah, do you hear that? peace and quiet. emerson is napping upstairs and ainsley is at pre-school until noon. pre-school days have become my one saving grace; specifically during these last two weeks. to catch up on the endless housework and the mountains of dog hair, to actually eat breakfast and enjoy an entire cup of hot coffee, and to just catch my breath.

my day started off like it normally does...mass chaos. at approximately 6:15 every morning. emerson's crying screaming [even though she's fed and changed and has a plethora of toys surrounding her], ainsley is whining every .5 seconds about wanting breakfast and the dogs are literally up.my.ass. i'm tripping over them and stepping on their paws and tails as i'm shuffling from room to room trying to tackle the morning before i stab my ears out with the nearest sharp object from all the crying. can you feel the stress?

most mornings i think to myself: jeesh. for being the most non-needy person on the planet, i sure have a house full of super needy living things up in here. blame mark? sure, why not.

i've survived another morning. i've bounced emerson from room to room to room and switched up activities every minute for the last two hours...long enough to justify trying for nap time. all while feeding, dressing and getting ainsley ready for pre-school. and it was successful. and here i am.

we have had both the VCU and UVA appointments. i didn't hate the doctors at VCU, but i didn't leave the appointment feeling full of the knowledge i went there for. they closed doors, but weren't willing to open any new ones for me. i felt a little broken. they spoke their smart doctor talk and at the time i think i understood, but as soon as i left i felt all confused again. and so did mark. emerson screamed in my arms most of the time so i was overwhelmed and probably half listening/focused to begin with. so we decided to keep our appointment with UVA. and i think we are both glad we did.

the night before our appointment at UVA, i broke down. i'm talking serious mental breakdown here people. for about five straight hours. i just couldn't get my shit together. it's such a roller coaster ride of emotions. mark sat with me the whole time...not making me feel crazy and verifying that i have every right to feel my feelings. even though sometimes they make me feel guilty as hell.  i love my sweet little girl with all of my heart, but when we have these bad times that last weeks or sometimes even months, i feel so much frustration and even anger that my family spends their days (and nights) in misery. when nothing you do makes your beautiful baby happy...that's a low feeling. the anger i feel is mostly because i have this beautiful little blessing. this blessing that many women and families would kill for. and i love her and i appreciate it and i try so hard not to take this blessing for granted. but, when you have this beautiful blessing that seems so miserable...you feel like you can't enjoy her. and you desperately want to. that's all you want to do. and then you find yourself feeling sad/resentful/pissed off when you see other families enjoying their babies and their babies enjoying their families. mark and i...well, that's all we want. really and truly.

i feel like i missed out on this time in ainsley's life because i was working. and i hated that. now, with emerson, i feel like i'm missing out on this time in her life too. and, well, that really just stinks!

anyway, i'll get to it (:

the doctors at UVA and VCU both confirmed that emerson has Mild Metopic Craniosynostosis. Her frontal (metopic) suture has closed early. the rest of her sutures appear to be open still. however, both hospitals felt that because it is a mild case that she will not have to have surgery. which is GREAT! and we feel sooo relieved about that. they feel as though the ridge on her forehead will not grow any larger or more deformed and she will not experience any permanent delays or issues because of the early closing. but, i broke down again in the office in front of everyone. another closed door. don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled. but, now what? i could tell the plastic surgeon was ready to leave the office. they can't help us. she doesn't require their services. good luck. see you later. but i refused, REFUSED to leave there until someone listened to me. CAN YOU NOT SEE HER SCREAMING RIGHT NOW?! SHE DOES THIS ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. NO, I'M NOT EXAGGERATING. HELP ME. HELP ME!!!!! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK HOME WITHOUT SOMETHING. GIVE ME SOMETHING. yea, i went a little nuts. but, i meant it. i also asked if i had to be the parent that refuses to leave...because i would have. i was definitely at that point. we are desperate for answers...desperate to have our happy baby back.

the plastic surgeon called the neurologist in. i loved him. he listened to me. he sympathized with me. and he agreed with me. this amount of irritability is not normal. so, he created a plan for us:

1. have a test done that will FOR SURE rule out that she isn't experiencing any pressure on the brain. pressure on the brain could cause her major discomfort...like having a headache. could explain her constant irritability. they don't seem to think this will be the case, but he felt better knowing for sure and giving us that peace as well. if she happens to have pressure, we would have to revisit the idea of surgery.

2. have an MRI. rule out or potentially discover any issues there.

3. see a Gastroenterologist. explore potential GI issues.

4. keep our appointment with the Developmental Pediatrician on May 20th. this scares the shit out of me honestly. i just can't even think about this or talk about this. i'm just not ready to accept or learn about potential lifelong disorders.

so there it is. our plan. who knows how freaking long we'll have to wait to have these appointments/tests. but, for once, a doctor didn't just close a door in my face without helping me to open new ones. they listened. they saw. and they agreed. that emerson needs some help. and we'll do what we need to do to get her the help that she needs.

xoxo.

ps. if one more person tells me that maybe she's teething...well, i might just punch them right in the face. teething for 7 straight months? yea, i don't think so.