my wednesday skeletons...

it was 7:41 am when i looked at the clock. i had finally fallen asleep around seven when i told mark, verbatim, 'someone else needs to take care of her. i'm done.' i turned my phone sound machine on full blast, pulled the covers over my head, and peaced out. for forty-one minutes. the first thing i remembered when i saw the time was that mark has a super long day today. i closed my eyes and tried to find my happy place. any happy place. hell, any place that wasn't where i was.

please tell me i'm not the only one that regularly wishes they were someone else. i've always struggled with major insecurities, so most of the time i only wished to be someone else for vanity reasons. to be someone that i thought was way prettier or skinnier than i was. how silly that was.

this morning i wished i was anyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeee but me. deep down i know i'm blessed. that in the grand scheme of life this time will only be but a tiny memory. a painful, i'm scarred for life and i won't ever forget it memory. but a memory nonetheless. there's no worse advice than, 'hang in there.' i know it's because people don't know what else to say and they want to be supportive. i'm so tired of hanging in there.

recently my day to day life feels more like a punishment than a blessing. and just thinking it, let alone saying it out loud, brings feelings of enormous guilt and then i feel like a complete shit mom. i know i have a baby with high needs. she needs me. and i'm always there for her, but that doesn't mean that sometimes i don't want to just run away.

in just ten short minutes, before i gathered up the strength to get ainsley ready for pre-school, i imagined all of the people that i would rather be:

• the woman that can take her baby anywhere she needs to go. she knows that when her baby gets tired, he/she will fall asleep and she can still get out of the house. in the car seat, in the stroller, in the baby carrier. her life doesn't revolve around getting home before her baby gets tired, which is like every two hours.
• the woman that can manage to get to the gym and be healthy for her family. i stay at home and can't seem to get there. besides the fact that i'd be the mom who has to go get her baby and couldn't get a workout in because she wouldn't stop crying, by the time i feed emerson and get us all ready and get there...she's ready for a nap already. see above bullet. being happy with my health and body certainly couldn't hurt.
• the woman that has her shit together. i should be able to have dinner ready each day, and i guess i could, if i wanted to listen to screaming the whole time. which i definitely don't. maybe those moms don't really exist? 
• the woman who gets to travel the world and experience life.
• the woman that gets to enjoy her baby. this one above all the things. 
• the woman who doesn't stay at home all day, every day because the alternative is freaking torture and she's admittedly kind of  most definitely scared of it.
• the woman with the happy baby.
• the woman who gets a shower more than every four days.
• the successful little business owner who makes enough money for the extra things (haircuts, new clothes, classes for her three year old).
• kim kardashian. yes, you read that correctly. she has a nanny. enough said. oh, i'd so hire a night nanny if i could. perfect mother's day gift!

our lives have been on pause for a long time now. and i know i'm so ready to hit that play button. summer is fast approaching. i want to enjoy the beach. i want to take a day trip to the zoo. i want to enjoy the friends that i have made here...having bbq's or spending the day at the lake.  i want to take ainsley to an amusement park. she deserves to get out of this dreaded house. we all do. i need some sunshine in my life...literally and figuratively. i don't want things to be so hard. i want my husband to feel like he can take a day trip with his dad to see a baseball game without feeling guilty or without me making him feel guilty because he knows he's leaving me in hell (basically my new version of it).

i need for breathing to not feel so exhausting. literally, i think i'm too tired to breathe half the time. i joined a group for high needs moms and babies and the support there is overwhelming. in person, i've yet to meet another mother who has had a baby that never sleeps like emerson. most times, i'm on an island all alone. getting up with your baby three times a night is not equivalent. or just when they're sick or teething. i'm sorry, but it's just not. i respect your right to whine about it, but inside i probably want to punch you right in your junk. and excuse me for not feeling sorry for you. but, these other moms...they get it. they are living it. and sometimes i even want to even punch myself in the junk...because i have it pretty good. i think every mom should join this group, high needs or not. because we need to learn to appreciate what we have. myself included.

but this mom definitely needs a junk punch:

what? you didn't think i could end it with such negative energy did you?

and just a few terrible quality, taken with my shit iphone videos for that added cuteness measure. i need to start adding some visuals. emerson's got the moves (:

oh, and don't mind my house. i've decided to stop picking up after everyone. everything has a place and that place is apparently all over our floors! i must admit, it is LIBERATING!

xoxo.