it's 10:29pm on a saturday night. almost sunday. i have been sitting here for almost an hour listening to emerson crying upstairs. checking on her intermittently even though it makes her cry ten times harder. mark is in the other room snoring and i'm wondering how in the hell he can sleep through this every night. i hope my sweet, sweet ainsley is sleeping peacefully in her bed. she has had a really rough two days. i kind of want to go snuggle up close with her, but i know she'd never go for it. she loves her personal space when she's sleeping. these ridiculously crazy days seem to be our new normal around here. how many days have i been doing this again?
every day and every night we have the same exact routine. i live in fear of messing up this routine, but i have no idea why...it's obviously not working. i can't let emerson nap too long. i can't let her naps go past 4pm. i can't get emerson to bed too late or she'll get overtired. do i feed her? no, not until at least 1am. she literally just ate three hours ago. has she pooped? does her stomach hurt? is she teething? growth spurt? wonder week? do i just let her CIO? i've tried. at this point i am not scared to listen to my baby cry. we did it with ainsley. she cried for like 40 minutes and that was it. emerson's CIO lasts almost three hours. and that's multiple times each night. i didn't think it was possible for a baby to cry for that long. so, that's not something i want to do. it's insanity i tell you. i do the same thing over and over again every day and every night and i expect the same result that i got on that one random thursday night.
two nights ago (thursday night) she didn't wake up until 3:45am. and here i go again...i start getting my hopes up. i begin to breathe a little. i think that maybe, just maybe, we're starting to get somewhere. that all of my exhausting hard work is finally paying off. and i think maybe i can finally see the light at the end of this shitty tunnel. and then friday night came...and that bubble blew up right in my face. up all night again starting around 11:45. tonight? 10:30. and i know tomorrow night it will be even earlier. she's like clockwork. bumping up her wake times each night until she's crying before i even lay her down for the night.
and all i can ask is, "WHY?!" why does she choose to give me one random decent nights sleep and then it's back to shit sleep all over again? i know she can do it! why me? why can't i have the good baby that sleeps well and is easy going and can go out and about without screaming their head off the whole time? i thought i put in my time with ainsley. i thought she was a bad sleeper. a really hard baby. i have no idea. at least, i HAD no idea. and now maybe we have an idea...
i can't help but get really pissed off when i see other moms complaining about getting a sleepless night here or there. or having to get up to feed their babies a few times each night. or when they say, "well, my baby didn't sleep through the night until -insert age here-" lady, i'm not asking for my baby to sleep through the night. i'm asking her to simply sleep. period. YOU.HAVE.NO.FREAKING.IDEA. is what i'd like to say. or to tell them to just shut up. maybe they think i'm exaggerating? i wish i was. and yes, i've tried a damn soundmachine/swaddle/whateverthehellelseyousuggest. we all expect sleepless night when we have babies. but not sleepless months. or sleepless half a years. like, zero sleep sleepless. i doubt those moms could handle a week in my house let alone almost nine straight months. hell, i'd bet money on it that they couldn't. nothing can prepare you for this. and nothing can prepare you for hearing that your baby might have some pretty serious health concerns.
i decided to start a blog to write about emerson's little journey. we don't know a lot yet so i hope this journey is really short lived and then i can just delete this blog altogether. but, in the meantime, i wanted to find an easier way to keep friends and family updated without having to repeat myself.
it's late. she's still screaming. i want to scream, but instead i will just sit here and continue to play spider solitaire...i've become a real pro. hopefully tomorrow i'll find the time to write more about where we are with little miss cranky pants.
xoxo.
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