life as we know it

i thought seeing the Pediatric Physical Therapist would help me see a bright future, instead of the future that i have in my head. our appointment was at 3:30. we got there early so that we could feed emerson. of course it was a big cluster mess. we sat in the waiting room and no one was to be found. mark eventually had to hunt someone down and they directed us to the right place.
the therapist was very nice. she had a great personality and was very loving towards emerson. emerson let her pick her up and play with her for about ten minutes. and then in true emerson fashion...she ended the appointment hyperventilating and screaming. she was literally covered in sweat when we left. the therapist agreed that she is a very hard baby and would be a very hard patient. she felt like emerson could benefit from PT 3 times/week. she knows that we can't drive her to UVA that often. we are going to research finding a pediatric PT closer to home while we wait for Early Intervention to call us back. she gave us some home exercises to do in the meantime. it's been a complete disaster. it pisses her off and then she's done for the rest of the day. and i have no idea what i'm doing.

she doesn't feel like emerson will crawl at all. and that she will walk late, which we expected. when we asked how late, my heart sunk to my feet when i heard her answer.

CLOSER TO HER THIRD BIRTHDAY.

three?! that was absolutely not at all what i was expecting. i am still processing this. i can't imagine still carrying around a three year old. she won't be able to play with her friends. will anyone want to be her friend? ainsley was in pre-school two half days a week. how could emerson do that if she can't walk? how will this contribute to her irritability if she can't get anywhere? if she can't crawl OR walk? what if she ALSO exhibits speech delays?

will she run and jump? PROBABLY. not definitely. maybe yes. maybe no. to us these seem like pretty important skills to have. emerson may never reach these goals.

she said that children do surprise us sometimes. and maybe she will crawl or walk sooner but i don't want to hold onto an unrealistic goal and she doesn't want to give me an unrealistic timeline just to spare my feelings.

needless to say, mark and i left there trying to accept that this is where we are and probably will be for a lot longer than we thought. we have a long, hard road ahead of us. and taking it hour by hour at this point.

the good news is that she doesn't see any delays in fine motor skills. and she seems pretty on schedule for speech other than not saying 'mama.' emerson does this weird thing with her mouth that worries me so much and i keep forgetting to say something. it's like she's screaming or trying to talk. her mouth opens really wide and her eyes bulge out of her head, but nothing comes out. it's like a really strange, violent yawn. see picture below. it happens if she's excited or upset or sleepy...seems sensory related. i get more pictures of this than i do of anything else. will speech come? will she be able to talk? she doesn't babble often.

i worry myself sick over what her future may look like. literally sick. logically i know there is nothing i can do. but, i'm blessed with the worry gene. and worry i will. because that's what moms do best, right?

let's end on a happy note. miss emerson clapping her hands.

xoxo.