nine months later

wow. has it really been nine months since i wrote on here?

several people have sent me messages or texts asking how our appointment went yesterday at UVA. i so appreciate your thoughtfulness. i sort of stopped writing here because i figured if people really wanted to know, they'd ask. and with the craziness of therapies, appointments, and other life obligations...it just wasn't a priority. but instead of responding to everyone individually, i thought this would be the easiest!

anywho, when i looked back on the older posts...it breaks my heart really. i am happy to say that things have improved in the last 9 months.

emerson's irritability is still there at times, but we have far less ENTIRE FULL DAYS of nonstop crying and screaming. thank goodness.

sleep is still one of our biggest issues. two hours of total night sleep is a good night for us. i'm completely exhausted each day so i can't imagine how emerson feels.

she's been in Physical Therapy through Early Intervention since the end of July. when she started, the only Gross Motor Milestone she met was sitting up unassisted. In just 7 months, she can now roll over both directions, sit up from a lay down position, crawl. bear weight on legs, cruise, and walk with assistance. WOW. my big girl. i'm so amazed by her progress. and so proud of her.

our visit yesterday was with a new developmental pediatrician. if read past posts, you can find out about our visit with the first.

i've been super anxious for this appointment for many obvious reasons. i think over the last few months emerson has been having super big behavior issues. i struggle with determining what behaviors are of a typical 18 month old and what behaviors might be something more serious. i think with ainsley, when i look back, i realize that we were super lucky. she was a very sweet, sweet toddler. and that's all i really have to compare it to.

leaving the house is a big issue. emerson screams and cries the entire time we're out. she wants me to physically hold her, yet wearing her with a carrier isn't good enough. she's hitting/pinching/kicking when frustrated and when she doesn't get what she wants. it's not your normal toddler issues...it's magnified, more extreme, and a definite issue. i get somewhat anxious to leave the house with her at this point.

anyway, we really liked the new developmental pediatrician. she spent nearly three hours with us.

emerson was diagnosed with Apraxia, which is a motor disorder due to damage to the brain. emerson will start intense speech therapy as soon as possible, in conjunction with her PT and occasional OT.

she also believed that emerson's sleeplessness could very well be a biological issue and we are looking  into potential sleep aides to help emerson get the sleep that she desperately needs.

we will be giving emerson a hearing test in the near future and she'll see the eye doctor again closer to her second birthday to further rule out any vision or hearing issues.

she, along with our PCP and the EI team, has encouraged us to go through with Genetic testing.

the DP felt as though emerson's cognitive ability is advanced for her age. so that was very reassuring to hear and probably the highlight of our appointment. it allowed me to breathe a little easier. and i am going to hang onto that on our rough days.

chaos ensues here. it's dinner time. i know you parents understand. time to run.

xoxo.

life as we know it

i thought seeing the Pediatric Physical Therapist would help me see a bright future, instead of the future that i have in my head. our appointment was at 3:30. we got there early so that we could feed emerson. of course it was a big cluster mess. we sat in the waiting room and no one was to be found. mark eventually had to hunt someone down and they directed us to the right place.
the therapist was very nice. she had a great personality and was very loving towards emerson. emerson let her pick her up and play with her for about ten minutes. and then in true emerson fashion...she ended the appointment hyperventilating and screaming. she was literally covered in sweat when we left. the therapist agreed that she is a very hard baby and would be a very hard patient. she felt like emerson could benefit from PT 3 times/week. she knows that we can't drive her to UVA that often. we are going to research finding a pediatric PT closer to home while we wait for Early Intervention to call us back. she gave us some home exercises to do in the meantime. it's been a complete disaster. it pisses her off and then she's done for the rest of the day. and i have no idea what i'm doing.

she doesn't feel like emerson will crawl at all. and that she will walk late, which we expected. when we asked how late, my heart sunk to my feet when i heard her answer.

CLOSER TO HER THIRD BIRTHDAY.

three?! that was absolutely not at all what i was expecting. i am still processing this. i can't imagine still carrying around a three year old. she won't be able to play with her friends. will anyone want to be her friend? ainsley was in pre-school two half days a week. how could emerson do that if she can't walk? how will this contribute to her irritability if she can't get anywhere? if she can't crawl OR walk? what if she ALSO exhibits speech delays?

will she run and jump? PROBABLY. not definitely. maybe yes. maybe no. to us these seem like pretty important skills to have. emerson may never reach these goals.

she said that children do surprise us sometimes. and maybe she will crawl or walk sooner but i don't want to hold onto an unrealistic goal and she doesn't want to give me an unrealistic timeline just to spare my feelings.

needless to say, mark and i left there trying to accept that this is where we are and probably will be for a lot longer than we thought. we have a long, hard road ahead of us. and taking it hour by hour at this point.

the good news is that she doesn't see any delays in fine motor skills. and she seems pretty on schedule for speech other than not saying 'mama.' emerson does this weird thing with her mouth that worries me so much and i keep forgetting to say something. it's like she's screaming or trying to talk. her mouth opens really wide and her eyes bulge out of her head, but nothing comes out. it's like a really strange, violent yawn. see picture below. it happens if she's excited or upset or sleepy...seems sensory related. i get more pictures of this than i do of anything else. will speech come? will she be able to talk? she doesn't babble often.

i worry myself sick over what her future may look like. literally sick. logically i know there is nothing i can do. but, i'm blessed with the worry gene. and worry i will. because that's what moms do best, right?

let's end on a happy note. miss emerson clapping her hands.

xoxo.

dropping bombs like whoa...

dare i say this out loud? as in, via the internet. emerson's sleep at night has been pretty good. waking up only 1-3 times. so you'd think that would make her irritability decrease, right? am.i.freaking.right? yea...not so much. she has been so unbelievably cranky pants the past couple weeks. so i feel just as exhausted during the days...even if i am getting more sleep. don't say teething. don't.you.even. i know what you're thinking over there. the answer is no. just no. she's not teething for ten straight months...day and night. i'm not saying teething never contributes, but she's like this regardless.

so, what's better? being up all night or literally listening to your baby whine+scream all.day.long? the jury is still out on that one. we're also back to crying for a few minutes when i lay her down for naps and bed time. i hate that. it doesn't last long though...maybe a minute. but it still sends my anxiety through the roof and back again. and i hate her going to bed so upset. i much prefer our normal sweet, peaceful routine. obviously.

the next stop on our little journey was visiting the developmental pediatrician. this was the appointment that i was dreading the most. hearing that emerson was going to suffer a lifetime of problems was just something i didn't feel like i was ready to hear. we saw dr. norwood at UVA on 5.20. our appointment was at 8am. butt crack of dawn. we arrived thirty minutes early like they asked. emerson gets up as soon as someone showers [even with her sound machine on] so she was up at 5:45am. by the time we got there, she was ready for a nap. and if you remember anything about emerson, it's that when she's tired...she wants her crib. she will not sleep anywhere but.  the doctor didn't even show up until after 9am. he was late. seriously? so far, i've not been impressed with UVA. at all.

he was a very abrasive man. mark and i both didn't feel comfortable with him. emerson sat on the waiting table and i kept shoving puffs and yogurt melts and mum mums at her face to get her to calm down so that i could listen and focus. i didn't want to miss a single second. he didn't interact with her at all. he checked her ears and touched her legs a few times. and that was as far as his interaction with emerson went.

and we left with the following news:

emerson has low muscle tone. this low muscle tone will never go away. it is due to a neurological disorder. it has caused her to also have the diagnosis of developmental delay. she will learn, through therapy, to compensate for her low muscle tone. she will not be a star athlete. she will also most likely suffer long term from this...in the form of gross motor problems, learning disabilities, potential speech delays, mood disorders, bipolar, adhd and anxiety issues.

uhm. what.the.hell? i told everyone in the room that i thought i was going to throw up and i started crying.

he seemed very surprised by my reaction. and i suppose it's because what he sees on a daily basis can be way worse than what he just told me. but, to me, he just basically said...take everything that you dreamed up for your sweet baby girl and toss it right down the freaking drain.

i'm sitting here with the paperwork that we received from him after our visit. for the first time i am sitting here reading through it. it was not a good day week two weeks for me. the paperwork says this:

global developmental delay. which means she's exhibiting delays in most, if not all, areas. i don't really agree with this. she can't roll, bear weight on legs, or crawl. and those are all gross motor areas only. but whatever. she babbles, when she's not crying. he acted like she's not babbling at all. she's not saying the 'm' yet though. so maybe she is having speech difficulty? who knows? her development is disordered. she is advanced in some areas that she shouldn't even be at this age...yet she can't roll over.

his recommendations are as follows: i do not think that emerson will outgrow her neurodevelopmental difficulties. i do not think she has cerebral palsy, intellectual disability or autism [although when mark started talking about all the things she CAN DO, he said THAT CAN ALL CHANGE IN HER SECOND YEAR OF LIFE IF IT IS AUTISM. thanks. that makes me feel so much better. way to take something off of the table and then put it right back on]. i think the parents should follow through with the sedated MRI. i am making a referral to genetics. we are making referrals for PT and OT evaluations. i encourage mom to contact early intervention. once emerson turns one, i will recommend trying a sleep aide. mom needs to go to counseling. she did not seem particularly happy or open about these possibilities.

okay asshole. what mom would be HAPPY and OPEN to just hearing this extremely bleak future for her sweet baby girl? i'm still mad at him. i'm doing the best that i can do. sometimes it's good enough and sometimes i just plain shut down, give up and feel like running away. and forgive me if maybe i need some time to process this. he kept asking me about whether or not i'm medicated. even my own family doctor said, 'i can give you medication, but i don't think it will help. your situation is hard and medication won't change that.' if he's trying to help, he has a terrible way of going about it.

and as he left the room he said, and i quote: I HOPE I HAVEN'T UPSET YOU TOO MUCH. door close. no bye, nice to meet you, she's beautiful or you're doing a great job. none of those things. for being so smart, he seems like a real dumb ass to me.

-i've called early intervention. twice now. so far, nothing from them. the second time i called they had no recollection of my first call. so annoying. so after filling out everything over the phone for the second time i told them that i'm getting pretty good at becoming a nag  thanks to UVA [and because i'm a wife, hehe]. i'll call back again today.
-we've had our PT evaluation. that will be my next post when i have a free minute.
-haven't heard from Genetics, OT or the GI department.
-MRI is scheduled for June 6th. i'm dreading it. my mom is coming for it and mark will meet us there from work.

and that's where we are. hard pills to swallow. i'm trying to keep my mind busy. my body has no down time, but my mind will not shut off or stop wandering. i've never been so exhausted in my life. i just wish so much that she were happier. it breaks my heart every day to see her so unhappy.

xoxo.

i should add pictures. i think i'll try to do that from now on. if i can remember. which i probably won't. but, the thought is there at least (:

the calm after the storm

ah, do you hear that? peace and quiet. emerson is napping upstairs and ainsley is at pre-school until noon. pre-school days have become my one saving grace; specifically during these last two weeks. to catch up on the endless housework and the mountains of dog hair, to actually eat breakfast and enjoy an entire cup of hot coffee, and to just catch my breath.

my day started off like it normally does...mass chaos. at approximately 6:15 every morning. emerson's crying screaming [even though she's fed and changed and has a plethora of toys surrounding her], ainsley is whining every .5 seconds about wanting breakfast and the dogs are literally up.my.ass. i'm tripping over them and stepping on their paws and tails as i'm shuffling from room to room trying to tackle the morning before i stab my ears out with the nearest sharp object from all the crying. can you feel the stress?

most mornings i think to myself: jeesh. for being the most non-needy person on the planet, i sure have a house full of super needy living things up in here. blame mark? sure, why not.

i've survived another morning. i've bounced emerson from room to room to room and switched up activities every minute for the last two hours...long enough to justify trying for nap time. all while feeding, dressing and getting ainsley ready for pre-school. and it was successful. and here i am.

we have had both the VCU and UVA appointments. i didn't hate the doctors at VCU, but i didn't leave the appointment feeling full of the knowledge i went there for. they closed doors, but weren't willing to open any new ones for me. i felt a little broken. they spoke their smart doctor talk and at the time i think i understood, but as soon as i left i felt all confused again. and so did mark. emerson screamed in my arms most of the time so i was overwhelmed and probably half listening/focused to begin with. so we decided to keep our appointment with UVA. and i think we are both glad we did.

the night before our appointment at UVA, i broke down. i'm talking serious mental breakdown here people. for about five straight hours. i just couldn't get my shit together. it's such a roller coaster ride of emotions. mark sat with me the whole time...not making me feel crazy and verifying that i have every right to feel my feelings. even though sometimes they make me feel guilty as hell.  i love my sweet little girl with all of my heart, but when we have these bad times that last weeks or sometimes even months, i feel so much frustration and even anger that my family spends their days (and nights) in misery. when nothing you do makes your beautiful baby happy...that's a low feeling. the anger i feel is mostly because i have this beautiful little blessing. this blessing that many women and families would kill for. and i love her and i appreciate it and i try so hard not to take this blessing for granted. but, when you have this beautiful blessing that seems so miserable...you feel like you can't enjoy her. and you desperately want to. that's all you want to do. and then you find yourself feeling sad/resentful/pissed off when you see other families enjoying their babies and their babies enjoying their families. mark and i...well, that's all we want. really and truly.

i feel like i missed out on this time in ainsley's life because i was working. and i hated that. now, with emerson, i feel like i'm missing out on this time in her life too. and, well, that really just stinks!

anyway, i'll get to it (:

the doctors at UVA and VCU both confirmed that emerson has Mild Metopic Craniosynostosis. Her frontal (metopic) suture has closed early. the rest of her sutures appear to be open still. however, both hospitals felt that because it is a mild case that she will not have to have surgery. which is GREAT! and we feel sooo relieved about that. they feel as though the ridge on her forehead will not grow any larger or more deformed and she will not experience any permanent delays or issues because of the early closing. but, i broke down again in the office in front of everyone. another closed door. don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled. but, now what? i could tell the plastic surgeon was ready to leave the office. they can't help us. she doesn't require their services. good luck. see you later. but i refused, REFUSED to leave there until someone listened to me. CAN YOU NOT SEE HER SCREAMING RIGHT NOW?! SHE DOES THIS ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. NO, I'M NOT EXAGGERATING. HELP ME. HELP ME!!!!! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK HOME WITHOUT SOMETHING. GIVE ME SOMETHING. yea, i went a little nuts. but, i meant it. i also asked if i had to be the parent that refuses to leave...because i would have. i was definitely at that point. we are desperate for answers...desperate to have our happy baby back.

the plastic surgeon called the neurologist in. i loved him. he listened to me. he sympathized with me. and he agreed with me. this amount of irritability is not normal. so, he created a plan for us:

1. have a test done that will FOR SURE rule out that she isn't experiencing any pressure on the brain. pressure on the brain could cause her major discomfort...like having a headache. could explain her constant irritability. they don't seem to think this will be the case, but he felt better knowing for sure and giving us that peace as well. if she happens to have pressure, we would have to revisit the idea of surgery.

2. have an MRI. rule out or potentially discover any issues there.

3. see a Gastroenterologist. explore potential GI issues.

4. keep our appointment with the Developmental Pediatrician on May 20th. this scares the shit out of me honestly. i just can't even think about this or talk about this. i'm just not ready to accept or learn about potential lifelong disorders.

so there it is. our plan. who knows how freaking long we'll have to wait to have these appointments/tests. but, for once, a doctor didn't just close a door in my face without helping me to open new ones. they listened. they saw. and they agreed. that emerson needs some help. and we'll do what we need to do to get her the help that she needs.

xoxo.

ps. if one more person tells me that maybe she's teething...well, i might just punch them right in the face. teething for 7 straight months? yea, i don't think so.

my wednesday skeletons...

it was 7:41 am when i looked at the clock. i had finally fallen asleep around seven when i told mark, verbatim, 'someone else needs to take care of her. i'm done.' i turned my phone sound machine on full blast, pulled the covers over my head, and peaced out. for forty-one minutes. the first thing i remembered when i saw the time was that mark has a super long day today. i closed my eyes and tried to find my happy place. any happy place. hell, any place that wasn't where i was.

please tell me i'm not the only one that regularly wishes they were someone else. i've always struggled with major insecurities, so most of the time i only wished to be someone else for vanity reasons. to be someone that i thought was way prettier or skinnier than i was. how silly that was.

this morning i wished i was anyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeee but me. deep down i know i'm blessed. that in the grand scheme of life this time will only be but a tiny memory. a painful, i'm scarred for life and i won't ever forget it memory. but a memory nonetheless. there's no worse advice than, 'hang in there.' i know it's because people don't know what else to say and they want to be supportive. i'm so tired of hanging in there.

recently my day to day life feels more like a punishment than a blessing. and just thinking it, let alone saying it out loud, brings feelings of enormous guilt and then i feel like a complete shit mom. i know i have a baby with high needs. she needs me. and i'm always there for her, but that doesn't mean that sometimes i don't want to just run away.

in just ten short minutes, before i gathered up the strength to get ainsley ready for pre-school, i imagined all of the people that i would rather be:

• the woman that can take her baby anywhere she needs to go. she knows that when her baby gets tired, he/she will fall asleep and she can still get out of the house. in the car seat, in the stroller, in the baby carrier. her life doesn't revolve around getting home before her baby gets tired, which is like every two hours.
• the woman that can manage to get to the gym and be healthy for her family. i stay at home and can't seem to get there. besides the fact that i'd be the mom who has to go get her baby and couldn't get a workout in because she wouldn't stop crying, by the time i feed emerson and get us all ready and get there...she's ready for a nap already. see above bullet. being happy with my health and body certainly couldn't hurt.
• the woman that has her shit together. i should be able to have dinner ready each day, and i guess i could, if i wanted to listen to screaming the whole time. which i definitely don't. maybe those moms don't really exist? 
• the woman who gets to travel the world and experience life.
• the woman that gets to enjoy her baby. this one above all the things. 
• the woman who doesn't stay at home all day, every day because the alternative is freaking torture and she's admittedly kind of  most definitely scared of it.
• the woman with the happy baby.
• the woman who gets a shower more than every four days.
• the successful little business owner who makes enough money for the extra things (haircuts, new clothes, classes for her three year old).
• kim kardashian. yes, you read that correctly. she has a nanny. enough said. oh, i'd so hire a night nanny if i could. perfect mother's day gift!

our lives have been on pause for a long time now. and i know i'm so ready to hit that play button. summer is fast approaching. i want to enjoy the beach. i want to take a day trip to the zoo. i want to enjoy the friends that i have made here...having bbq's or spending the day at the lake.  i want to take ainsley to an amusement park. she deserves to get out of this dreaded house. we all do. i need some sunshine in my life...literally and figuratively. i don't want things to be so hard. i want my husband to feel like he can take a day trip with his dad to see a baseball game without feeling guilty or without me making him feel guilty because he knows he's leaving me in hell (basically my new version of it).

i need for breathing to not feel so exhausting. literally, i think i'm too tired to breathe half the time. i joined a group for high needs moms and babies and the support there is overwhelming. in person, i've yet to meet another mother who has had a baby that never sleeps like emerson. most times, i'm on an island all alone. getting up with your baby three times a night is not equivalent. or just when they're sick or teething. i'm sorry, but it's just not. i respect your right to whine about it, but inside i probably want to punch you right in your junk. and excuse me for not feeling sorry for you. but, these other moms...they get it. they are living it. and sometimes i even want to even punch myself in the junk...because i have it pretty good. i think every mom should join this group, high needs or not. because we need to learn to appreciate what we have. myself included.

but this mom definitely needs a junk punch:

what? you didn't think i could end it with such negative energy did you?

and just a few terrible quality, taken with my shit iphone videos for that added cuteness measure. i need to start adding some visuals. emerson's got the moves (:

oh, and don't mind my house. i've decided to stop picking up after everyone. everything has a place and that place is apparently all over our floors! i must admit, it is LIBERATING!

xoxo.

the ultimate buzzkill

so on top of the bad sleep and the terrible sinus infection that emerson had for like two straight months, i had to go ahead and fracture her femur. mommy guilt forever over that one. i don't think oliver feels the least bit sorry.

so off we went to UVA. enter leigh ann lather, emerson's pediatric orthopedic doctor. she fell in love with emerson instantly. i will admit...she can be super duper charming. dr. lather put a cast on emerson's leg for comfort mainly and said she'd see us back in three weeks. she also urged us to switch doctors and demand an antibiotic for emerson and her sinus infection. i had been battling our first pediatrician for 27 days [yes, i kept track]. it had spread to her ears and her eyes and they were still refusing to give her anything. i guess i should add that dr. lather used to be a pediatrician.

so we switched doctors. and we never looked back. and at that point i wanted dr. lather to be my best friend.

we were scheduled for family pictures the week before emerson's appointment to get her cast off [mind you, she would have been in her cast a week longer than necessary, but that was just the closest appointment date available]. being the ridiculous mommy that i was am, i had ordered emerson the CUTEST outfit and because of the cast, it didn't really fit her right. so, i called dr. lather and mentioned the occasion and she agreed to meet us ON HER DAY OFF to take the cast off for us. ON HER DAY OFF PEOPLE. she's my hero. seriously.

after the cast was removed she took emerson and started examining her leg. dr. lather laughed and made a comment on how emerson must find having the cast off weird because she wouldn't bear any weight on her legs. i mentioned that i've been super concerned with emerson's development [mainly gross motor] and started noticing around five months that she didn't seem to be making any progress. not bearing weight on her legs, not rolling over in either direction. at almost nine months she STILL isn't doing any of those things. so of course she's also not crawling or pulling herself up or babbling either really. she is sitting up on her own though. i brought the issue up to our first pediatrician multiple times but they just assured me that she was just fine. even though i was always answering 'no' on all of those developmental checklists they make you fill out. in my gut i felt like something was wrong.

dr. lather sat listening to me pour my heart out. and she didn't rush me or interrupt me or make me feel like one of those super high needs, annoying moms. this wasn't my first time. so, she kindly started observing emerson more closely.

she reached emerson's head and immediately got quiet. she made comments like, 'i can't believe her pediatrician didn't notice this,' or 'i can't believe i didn't notice this when i saw her three weeks ago.' of course i started to get nervous...

basically, she explained that emerson has a bulging fontanelle (located under her soft spot above her forehead). she mentioned the word craniosynostosis. this means that the growth plates, or sutures, in her skull are fusing [closing] too early. when they close too early the brain doesn't have the room that it needs to expand. if left untreated, it can lead to serious health issues like seizures, mental impairment and eye/facial abnormalities/deformities. she mentioned having a total facial reconstructive surgery. i think i might have vomited in my mouth after those words. i left there after almost two hours with the advice to call our pediatrician and have him see us that week.

what.the.hell? this was supposed to be a happy day! we were getting that terrible cast off! we could enjoy baths again! and pajamas! and cute outfits! i got to the car and immediately called mark, who was at a conference out of the building that day. i was freaking out.

we saw our new pediatrician the next day. he agreed with dr. lather and we were sent straight over to the local hospital for x-rays. our pediatrician told us that he'd call us that night or the next morning. we never heard from him. that next afternoon, i got a phone call from UVA's pediatric cranio-facial plastic surgeon. well, her secretary. they wanted to see emerson. but they wouldn't/didn't/couldn't give us any additional information. they couldn't see her until may 19th. may 19th. they wanted us to wait until may 19th to find out what the x-rays showed? i don't freaking think so.

unfortunately after many countless phone calls into our pediatrician and the plastic surgeon's office...we really still don't know anything more. does she have craniosynostosis or not? what type? will she need surgery or not? is it affecting her development or not? is she experiencing pressure on her brain or not? maybe she has a headache and that's why she's miserable. does it affect sleeping or not?

thanks to a dear friend [ali, you rock my world], she put me in contact with another mommy whose little girl had the same diagnosis and the surgery at six months. she's now a happy, independent little four year old. she gave me the push i needed to be a more aggressive advocate for getting answers. UVA's office still won't call us back. and it's very frustrating. short of going there and sitting in the office and refusing to leave until someone sees us, i feel like we've done what we can. so, we have an appointment at the pediatric cranio-facial clinic at VCU on may 6th. and in the meantime we're going to continue bothering and annoying UVA until we see them on may 19th.

and that's where we are.

ps, i have learned that google can be the devil. and my bones are tired. and i should stop eating my feelings. the end.

xoxo.

what's the definition of insanity again?

it's 10:29pm on a saturday night. almost sunday. i have been sitting here for almost an hour listening to emerson crying upstairs. checking on her intermittently even though it makes her cry ten times harder. mark is in the other room snoring and i'm wondering how in the hell he can sleep through this every night. i hope my sweet, sweet ainsley is sleeping peacefully in her bed. she has had a really rough two days. i kind of want to go snuggle up close with her, but i know she'd never go for it. she loves her personal space when she's sleeping. these ridiculously crazy days seem to be our new normal around here. how many days have i been doing this again?

every day and every night we have the same exact routine. i live in fear of messing up this routine, but i have no idea why...it's obviously not working. i can't let emerson nap too long. i can't let her naps go past 4pm. i can't get emerson to bed too late or she'll get overtired. do i feed her? no, not until at least 1am. she literally just ate three hours ago. has she pooped? does her stomach hurt? is she teething? growth spurt? wonder week? do i just let her CIO? i've tried. at this point i am not scared to listen to my baby cry. we did it with ainsley. she cried for like 40 minutes and that was it. emerson's CIO lasts almost three hours. and that's multiple times each night. i didn't think it was possible for a baby to cry for that long. so, that's not something i want to do. it's insanity i tell you. i do the same thing over and over again every day and every night and i expect the same result that i got on that one random thursday night.

two nights ago (thursday night) she didn't wake up until 3:45am. and here i go again...i start getting my hopes up. i begin to breathe a little. i think that maybe, just maybe, we're starting to get somewhere. that all of my exhausting hard work is finally paying off. and i think maybe i can finally see the light at the end of this shitty tunnel. and then friday night came...and that bubble blew up right in my face. up all night again starting around 11:45. tonight? 10:30. and i know tomorrow night it will be even earlier. she's like clockwork. bumping up her wake times each night until she's crying before i even lay her down for the night.

and all i can ask is, "WHY?!" why does she choose to give me one random decent nights sleep and then it's back to shit sleep all over again? i know she can do it! why me? why can't i have the good baby that sleeps well and is easy going and can go out and about without screaming their head off the whole time? i thought i put in my time with ainsley. i thought she was a bad sleeper. a really hard baby. i have no idea. at least, i HAD no idea. and now maybe we have an idea...

i can't help but get really pissed off when i see other moms complaining about getting a sleepless night here or there. or having to get up to feed their babies a few times each night. or when they say, "well, my baby didn't sleep through the night until -insert age here-" lady, i'm not asking for my baby to sleep through the night. i'm asking her to simply sleep. period. YOU.HAVE.NO.FREAKING.IDEA. is what i'd like to say. or to tell them to just shut up.  maybe they think i'm exaggerating? i wish i was. and yes, i've tried a damn soundmachine/swaddle/whateverthehellelseyousuggest. we all expect sleepless night when we have babies. but not sleepless months. or sleepless half a years. like, zero sleep sleepless.  i doubt those moms could handle a week in my house let alone almost nine straight months. hell, i'd bet money on it that they couldn't.  nothing can prepare you for this. and nothing can prepare you for hearing that your baby might have some pretty serious health concerns.

i decided to start a blog to write about emerson's little journey. we don't know a lot yet so i hope this journey is really short lived and then i can just delete this blog altogether. but, in the meantime, i wanted to find an easier way to keep friends and family updated without having to repeat myself.

it's late. she's still screaming. i want to scream, but instead i will just sit here and continue to play spider solitaire...i've become a real pro. hopefully tomorrow i'll find the time to write more about where we are with little miss cranky pants.

xoxo.